Rock

F*ck Fender and Gibson: 14 Touring Guitar Players Who Dare to Play Other Brands.

Posted on by Steve Levandoski

I get it. Fender and Gibson make damn good guitars for the best of the best. I have a surf green Mexican Strat that saw enough action to warrant a re-fret that never let me down once. And the Les Paul is as genuine and amazing as its namesake. If “Hotel California” taught us anything, the Fenders and Gibsons go together as well as corruption and politics.  But it seems like every band under the age of thirty doesn’t even know other brands exist. If I see one more Fender headstock, I’m going to flip my bippy. Here are 14 touring guitarists that have the courage to pick another brand.

Annie Clark: Saint Vincent/ David Bryne.

Ernie Ball Music Man Saint Vincent Signature model.

Annie Clark’s signature guitar is odd yet calculated just like her solos. Even David Bryne thinks she’s a weirdo. She helped design the first guitar made specifically to accommodate the female body. While primarily known for their basses, Music Man also makes Love’s own Albert Lee signature guitar. 

Serra Pétale: Los Bitchos

Eastwood Ichibam kl2

Los Bitchos are a bunch of London girls by way of Western Australia. They like their surf rock a little tangy, with elements of South American beats and a dash of psychedelia. Those ladies  always look like they are having a blast on stage. With a name like Los Bitcho’s, how could they not be?

Hester Chambers: WetLeg

Hofner (Höfner) HCT Galaxie

She plays guitar with everyone’s favorite perverts, Wet Leg. “On the chaise longue, on the chaise longue, on the chaise longue all day long, on the chaise longue. “ Even Harry Styles couldn’t escape their pop perfection, and did a cover of “Wet Dream.”

Mike watt players: The Minutemen, fIREHOUSE, The Stooges

Reverend Wattpower Bass

Mike Watt. If you know, you know, and if you don’t know, you should. Only Reverend Guitars could make a signature model holy enough for this fucking corndog to defend himself agaisnt the 70’s.

Wolfgang Von Frankenstein: The Misfits

Dean Doyle Signature Annihilator 

Does Doyle actually play guitar or does he just punch it like a timecard? Either way, he looks cool as hell. Legend has it, he rates every show according to how much his fingers bleed that night. His Dean signature model takes a beating every night, often needing to be swapped out for another identical model between songs with his guitar tech fixes it. That guy isn’t paid enough.

The Whole Band: Shannon and the Clams

Danelectros

I saw them live and was blown away by the power of Shannon’s voice.That lady could give a legit opera singer a run for her money. Her gold sparkle Danelectro bass is a perfect fit for The Clams retro 60’s vibe. 

Stu Mackenzie King Gizzard and the Wizard Lizard

Yamaha 1967 Flying Samurai

I always tell people, if you think you don’t like King Gizzard and the Wizard Lizard, wait a couple songs. They are so diverse that they will eventually land on something you’ll like. Stu Machenzie loves weird ass guitars, including this 60’s Yamaha.

Marissa Paternoster/ Screaming females 

g and l s-500 

Kramer jersey stat hornet galaxy 

If you aren’t careful, Marissa Paternoster will shred your face off. She is living proof that there are still guitarists who are willing to take risks, and stand out rather than blend in. In fact, between her and Annie Clark, it seems to me that women are doing the most good on the guitar nowadays. Get it together boys!

To be fair, G and L was Leo Fender’s company after he sold the Fender company, but legally they aren’t Fenders, so fuck off. Jerry Cantral of Alice in Chains also uses G and L for their beefy tones.

Wolfgang Van Halen 

EVH SA-126

Not sure what EVH Guitars could possibly stand for, but I’m sure this ain’t no First Act Guitar. Wolfgang added a semi hollobody design to the old man’s guitar, making it his own. Apparently Eddie’s kid plays all the instruments on his records like Prince. His Drumeo videos are always a good time, and showcase what happens when your uncle is Alex Van Halan.

Nameless Ghoul: Ghost

Hagstrom Fantomen.

It’s surprising that Hagstrom isn’t a household name, since Elvis Presely played one. The Hagstrom Fantomen really fits in with the metal aesthetic of Ghost, like the satans house key. Even the tuning pegs look evil. 

Josh Homme: Queens of the Stoneage, Kyruss

Marin bb1200

Josh Holme could play any guitar, but chooses Maren. This guy knows a thing or two about riffs, so the guitars must be amazing. This one matches his jacket really well. 

King Buzzo: Melvins/Fantômas

Electric Guitar Factory King Buzzo Standard.

Costing as much as a nice used car, this aluminum neck guitar can take the pounding that King Buzzo unleashes on it every night. This one is on my post lottery wishlist.

Zac Sokolow: LA LOM

Kay Style Leader

If you need a chill vibe, I have the band for you. These guys are like the Ventures meet Los Lobo’s. Zac’s vintage Kay Style Leader swims in a river of reverb, and has three pickups with volume and tone control for each. 

The Whole Band: Los Straightjackets

Various Dipinto Guitars.

I saw Los Straightjackets play an outdoor fest at the Philly Art Museum. Despite all their whammy barring and neck bending, they only had to tune up ONCE before they played. Talk about workhouse guitars! These things are more suited for surf music than surfboards.

The Best One-Armed Drummers Besides the Def Lepard Guy.

Posted on by Steve Levandoski

Victor “Moulty” Moulton

How he lost it: Moulty lost his left hand due to a homemade pipe bomb incident in his youth. (I’m lucky I only lost my eyebrows.)

How he overcame it. He had a prosthetic that could hold a stick.

Main Project: The Barbarians.

Website: https://www.imdb.com/name/nm2191338/bio/

Moulty was the one-armed drummer who started it all. He played with The Barbarians, straight outta Cape Cod. My uncle-in-law partied with him in the 60’s and says he’s “a hell of a good guy.” Moutly was name checked by the Ramones in the song “Do You Remember Rock and Roll Radio?” with the line, “Will you remember Jerry Lee, John Lennon, T.Rex and Ol’ Moulty?”

Jason Barnes 

How he lost it: He lost it from a severe electrical shock.

How he overcame it: He’s got a robot arm.

Main project: Cybrnetx

Website: https://www.jasonbarnes.me/about/

Besides being a drummer and music producer, Jason Barnes also holds the Guiness book of World Records holder for most drum beats in one minute. He controls his robot arm using the remaining muscles in his arm. The two sets of sticks on his prosthetic arm create unique  instrumental patterns, not unlike how Tony Iommi’s tone was influenced by the Black Sabbath guitar player’s prosthetic finger tips. It really is a shame that so many musicians get factory jobs. Will Jason Barnes’ be an early Neurolink adopter? 

Jack Thomas-

How he lost it: He lost it due to a faulty conveyor belt at work when he was still a teenager, and immediately jumped to physical therapy with a kick-ass attitude. 

How he overcame it: No idea how he does what he does one handed. He’s just really fucking good.

Main project: Drumeo

Website: https://www.jackthomasmusic.ca

This guy is an absolute beast. He’s involved with Drumeo, so you can see him operating the mouse lending vibe to the poor bastard during the “Hears Blank for the First Time” series. That’s where they find a technically demanding song that a drummer has never heard before and must improv a drum part on the spot on camera. Sadistic, clean, fun for the whole family. 

Buddy Rich (For One Tour)

How he broke it: Playing stickball like a 1930’s orphan.

How he overcame it: The same way Jack Thomas did, just playing twice as fast with one hand.

Main projects: The Buddy Rich band and the Buddy Rich Bus Tapes.

Website: https://thebuddyrichband.com/

If you are wondering how Buddy developed his famous one handed drum roll, here is Buddy in his own words, “There was a lot of comment about that period in 1948 when I played with one hand, because one arm was in a sling. I understand Jo Jones said: ‘If that heals, he ought to break it again.’ That was a thing born out of necessity. I was playing handball one morning when I fell, and broke my arm in three places. So they rushed me to the doctor; he straightened my arm out and put it in a cast. Well, the band had been booked for months in advance. And with 19 people on the payroll, I couldn’t very well just say: “We’ll be off for three months.” There was too much involved to cancel our bookings, We were in Dayton, Ohio; we played a one-nighter that night. The following week we played the Apollo Theatre in New York, and immediately after closing there we opened at the Paramount Theatre.

It was just a matter of having to do it. What the hell’s the difference anyway? If you can play with two hands, you can play with one. If you don’t have any, you play with your feet. Which I did, too, using bass drums, in the Paramount show.”

Rick Allen

How he lost it: Contrary to popular belief, Rick wasn’t drunk when he had the car accident that took his arm. He was driving in England trying to pass someone.

How he overcame it. He utilized electronic drum pads that he could play with his feet.

Main project: Def Leppard.

Website: https://rickallen.com/

 I know I said drummer’s besides Def Leppard’s Rick Allen, but this guy is the one-armed drummer poster child. Between world tours, Rick Allen is also a celebrated photographer and is the recipient of the Humanitarian Award by Maria Shriver’s Best Buddies of CA. 

When he lost the arm, Lars Ulrich from Metallica asked Rich to borrow his Ludwig Black Beauty, the Rolex of snare drums, and thanked him on the album credits. And he’s still rock’in. 

Will You Like “Get Out Of My House” As Much as They Love Michael Bay’s Transformers?

Posted on by Steve Levandoski

 Kenzie, Tomis, and Tzara 

Straight outta Portland, (Maine) Get Out of My House sounds like they played their last show at Bang Bang bar in Twin Peaks, blanketing the dance floor with a fog machine of post-punk depression and fidgety pop featuring Kenzie’s swirling chorused guitars, Tomis’ jazzy drums, and New Wave stylings of Tzara on the bass guitar. Grief Group Records, who signed them before they played their third show, released their first banger GOD ON MY SIDE 4 EVER. So brew yourself some coffee, put on those bigass headphones from the 60’s and enjoy this album like how Agent Cooper savors cherry pie. 

How did ya’ll meet?

Kenzie: Tomis and I met a long time ago when we saw The Doug Quaids at Marlboro College in 2016. I think I was playing in Glittergutz at that show and thought “Wow.This person is a genius.” There were people hanging from the rafters from that show. Great show. Years later we played in another band together called Windier. Tomis and friends moved to Portland, and a couple years later I decided to move here too. I met Tzara at work and I thought she was so cool. She was the first person I met in Portland who I knew I wanted to be good friends with. Tzara and I had been talking for a while about how we both wanted to start a band after bonding over music we both loved. Tomis finally brought it together, texting us one day and asking if we wanted to jam at his practice space for Lahnah. I would say it was love at first sight.

Tzara: It was the first night I saw Lahnah, Tomis’ other band, play that the plan really coalesced. Seeing that show, at the very least, really lit a fire under Kenzie and I’s asses to put the talk into action and Tomis had been meaning to get back into drumming. We found each other at exactly the right moment.

Can you name any new artists that everyone needs to hear about, especially buddies of 

your’s? What art outside of music inspires you? 

Red Eft, S.C.O.B.Y., Amiright?, Windier, Ween, Deerhoof, Marnie Stern, Hole, David Cronenberg,  Michael Bay’s Transformers, Michael Bay’s Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, Breaking Benjamin, Michael Bay’s Transformers: Age of Extinction, the WGA strike, Zelda, Dark Souls

Who writes the songs? How do you know when a song is finished?

Most of the songs start with Kenzie bringing forth a collection of guitar parts that she wants to piece together. The structure doesn’t get fully decided until much later. “Incisors” and “7 Uppers” started as bass lines with the structure mostly mapped out from the beginning. We all write our own parts for each of the songs. We play that until we’re sick to death of it and then we rewrite it into something less irksome. That’s the version of the songs that we recorded and play at our shows.

Let’s talk about the elephant in the room. As everyone knows, Tzara is the spawn of famed protest singer/communist agitator Phallus Cooper. Do you ever get people chanting Bosshole or Beast Infection cover requests at your shows? How do you still manage to bloom while growing up in his shadow?

Tzara: Bosshole’s local. We’re international (playing a show in New Hampshire next week). I’ll be charitable and say that James parented with a very light touch. Large as the shadow of Phallus Cooper may loom, there is a hell of a lot of space between Oregon and Maine.

My first and only prior foray into writing music started in high school, one of my buddies started an Album of the Week Facebook group where the only way to get in was to first make an album.  My buddy Lucas and I made our album in about 6 hours, from having nothing written to having it mastered and published on Bandcamp, just a bass guitar and drums. I didn’t really get how chord progression works, so it was just endless vamps with meandering, kinda spooky bass melodies, sometimes with some harsh noise or a guitar solo dubbed over.

The last known photograph of Phallus Copper, Circa 2007

I love your David Lynch cover. Did youse watch the Twin Peaks reboot?

Tzara: Kenzie and I watched it together over the last month. Kenzie hadn’t seen it since 2017, I had never seen it before. Both mega-fans, incessantly quoting lil quips from the show at each other.

Tomis: Yeah. I’ve watched it. Both seasons. Twice.

What is the best show you have ever played?

Kenzie: We’ve only played two shows and the first one was the best.

Tzara: We played one show for 40 people and one show for 12 so I’m gonna say that the one we played for 40 people was probably the better show.

Tomis: There was definitely more than 40 people there. Like 60 or 70 maybe.

Kenzie: The Apohadion was packed. Maybe even 100. I don’t know what 100 people looks like.

Can I get a rig run-down on Kenzie’s guitar for the tone snobs out there?

Kenzie: I’m using a Memory Man, this cool reverb pedal[?], a Squier Stratocaster I’ve had since I was 15 that I got for $50, a distortion pedal that I was gifted from someone who built it themself, an Electro-Harmonix B9 Organ pedal, some pedals I borrowed from Tomis that I don’t even know what they are, and the amp is an EVH 5150.

Does Tomis have any formal jazz or prog background? There is some tasty interplay going on between the hi hats and ride cymbals that isn’t the standard rock and roll fare, venturing into Billy Cobham or Joe Morello territory. 

Tomis: Thank you, I love Billy Cobham. That’s awesome. Yeah I graduated Julliard, I graduated Berkley and I also graduated Harvard and I also taught drums at USM. In middle school.

The recording quality on the album features dirty, lo-fi elements without sounding sloppy or unprofessional. What studio did you record at? Was it a good time? Who engineered it?

Kenzie: Tomis engineered it. We recorded it at Grime, which is where we practice and where we are right now, in our little practice room. It was a great time, it was a lot of fun. I had a lot of fun.

Tzara: I would give Tomis five stars on Yelp.

Kenzie: Absolutely. Ten stars. Maybe even 100. He did it all. It’s really amazing.

Anything lined up for the future? Any shows, recordings sessions, or podcasts?

Tzara: We’ve got a show lined up for the 7th of September at Grime Studio, our home away from home, with both of Tomis’ other bands, and one of Kenzie’s other bands. A proper send off for a pillar of the Portland Rawk community because Tomis will very soon be living and performing in the land of milk and honey, Philadelphia, PA. You and your readers will have that to look forward to, Kenzie and I will be licking our wounds. We’ve lined up a new drummer who is, miraculously, also a sound engineer, but the pain is real. But we’re looking forward to seeing where things go  Grief Group ,our very small time record label, asked us to be on a podcast called Ask A Punk but we haven’t heard any updates on that. 

Fin

How Sonny Bono Married Cher

Posted on by Steve Levandoski

Image by Lee Eschliman

“He had the confidence to be the butt of the joke because he created the joke.”-Cher 

Wait? She’s married to that old guy? He’s so short! And his voice ain’t nothing to write home about. What’s the deal? What did she see in him? How did he get that hip? Well, he wasn’t born rich or connected, that’s for sure. 

Born in Englewood California, Salvatore Phillip Bono, the youngest child of three kids, dropped out of school and worked as an assistant butcher, a waiter, and a truck driver before he got his big break at Peter Potter’s Songwriter’s Search. Even at the age of sixteen, Bono knew to stack the audience with his loud, drunken, family members. Their rowdy standing ovation clinched the win for him. He used that chutzpah to propel him forward for the rest of his days, which led to him becoming the mayor of Palm Springs later in life. 

Not many people sell the first song they ever write. Sonny did that in 1952 with his song “Ecstasy”. He originally wrote it for Tony Bennet who said, “thanks, but no thanks” so Sonny turned around and sold the tune to Johnny Otis. 

Sonny used his charm to weasel his way into writing for Specialty Records, run by Art Rupe, that featured all black artists like Little Richard and Sam Cook. He wrote “High School Dance”  “Baby You Bug Me” , and “She Said Yeah” for Larry Williams. For Sam Cooke, he wrote “Things You Do For Me” and ”Koko Joe”, another diddy he penned back when he was just a teenager.  When the Righteous Brothers covered Don and Dewy’s version of “Koko Joe,” it boosted Sonny’s star considerably. 

Sonny became buddies with another songwriter, Jack Nietche, one of famed record producer Phil Spector’s songwriting lackeys. They co-wrote “Needles and Pins” the song that launched Sonny’s career. Jackie DeShannon recorded Needles and Pins first, but it was the Searcher’s cover that brought it to the number three spot on the charts. This got the attention of Nietche’s boss, Phil Spector.

“A little tear jerker written for us by Mr. Sonny Bono”-Joey Ramone 

The Wall of Sound was Spector’s secret production technique that captured hits like the Crystals “And Then He Kissed Me” and the Ronettes “Da Do Ron Ron.” He later recorded the Beatles Let it Be album and the Ramones End of the Century. Spector utilized two drummers, two bass players, two organ players, four guitar players, and an army of background singers and percussionists. If the drums were too loud, he’d simply ask one of the drummers to take five. He made the musicians rehearse the tunes for hours beforehand to get them so tight they could play it without thinking and blend together like a sonic stew. Some musicians accused Spector of doing this to stop them from getting too fancy, since they would be too exhausted to overplay.

Calling Phil Spector batshit crazy would be an understatement. The guy pointed a gun at John Lennon, Leonard Cohen, Dee Dee Ramone, and many others, before finally shooting his girlfriend Lana Clarkson and spending the rest of his life behind bars for murder. He was like the Anti-Rick Rubin. 

There is a famous story of Spector, a black belt, karate kicking a noisy air conditioning unit right out of a ceiling. He also made his wife, Ronnie Spector, drive around with a cardboard cut-out of him when she drove alone. 

Sonny Bono started out a gofer and worked his way up to being Spector’s right hand man.  He pitched-in on background vocals as needed. With his endless charm and razor wit, Sonny was the perfect go between for the producer and the talent.

Oh, to be a fly on the wall:

Phil says, “Sonny, tell those cretins to get it right this time or I’ll cut their eyes out and feast upon the souls of their children.”

Sonny walks over to the musicians.“Hey guys, Phil thinks it’d be really groovy if you could try another take. Is that cool with you cats?”

When Sonny met Cherilyn Sarkisian, she was a sixteen-year-old runaway hanging out in a coffee shop and he was a twenty-eight-year old married man, recently separated from his first wife, Donna Rankuin. 

According to Cher, she lied about her age to him, and he was actually hitting on her friend. But then she eventually used her sob story to let her move in with him as house cleaner, with a platonic relationship. But then one thing led to another. Sonny said she “just wanted someone to protect her” and he did. (Not counting the endless affairs on his end.) For the first and last time in history, a record producer made good on his promise to make a young girl a star. 

Before Cher knew it, she was singing backup on “Be My Baby”, “Da Do Ron Ron”, and “You Lost That Loving Feeling”, while hanging out with Wrecking Crew, the most recorded studio musicians in history including Carol Kane on bass and Hal Blaine on drums. This gravy train lasted until Sonny opened his big dumb mouth and told Phil that his precious Wall of Sound was “getting stale.” 

Sonny’s first attempt at producing his wife was a love song about another guy named Richard Starkley. Her song “Ringo, I Love You, (YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!)” was a flop, performed under the name Bonnie Jo Mason. Tracks like this one are why pseudonyms exist.

But then they had their first hit with “I Got You, Babe”, which eventually got them their own television show, “The Sonny and Cher Show.” And the beat goes on.

Resources

Would-be Spectors # 6 – Sonny Bono

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sonny_Bono

How Long Were Sonny and Cher Married?

https://www.encyclopedia.com/history/encyclopedias-almanacs-transcripts-and-maps/sonny-bono

https://content.time.com/time/subscriber/article/0,33009,987686,00.html

https://www.grunge.com/235767/the-tragic-real-life-story-of-sonny-cher/

https://www.grunge.com/235767/the-tragic-real-life-story-of-sonny-cher/

https://assignmentpoint.com/biography-of-sonny-bono/

https://michiganrockandrolllegends.com/index.php/mrrl-hall-of-fame/375-sonny-bono

King Khan and BBQ Show, with Miranda and the Beat@Underground Arts. September 9th, 2022.

Posted on by Steve Levandoski

Formed from the ashes of their old band, Spaceshits, Montreal’s The King Khan and BBQ Show have been rocking garage punk since 2004. Both guys do double duty.  BBQ playing drums with his feet like a one man band, while King Khan plays guitar and sings doo wop bass lines, when he isn’t singing lead.  I’m also a fan of King Khan’s soul band, the Shrines. 

The geniuses behind Waddlin’ Around have played everywhere, including a kick ass session on KEXP. Lou Reed and Laurie Anderson personally invited the boys to play the Vivid Festival. (If that isn’t bragging rights, I don’t know what is.) 

Tagging along were NYC’s Miranda and the Beat, who joined the headliner onstage during the dance off segment of their show. Ain’t nothing but a party.

Miranda and The Beat kicked off the proceedings right. Miranda shreds a little harder than one would expect from a singer. She could play lead guitar in a band. Wearing only a mesh shirt under her suit jacket, her nipples played peek-a-poo, making this the most nipple centric show I’ve ever seen. (More on that later.) Very burlesque-esque. 

The Beat’s rhythm section was tight and tasteful and the whole band had a cool aesthetic.

Their keyboard player was a little much for me at first, with his white boy ‘fro and late sixties garb. But later, I got a whiff of his cologne as he walked by. Now, that is commitment to a look. I’ll allow it. All in all, their set was a good time.

If there is one thing to know about King Khan, it’s that he doesn’t give a fuck.  The body positive rocker went topless, wearing some kind of animal skins on his head and groin area, nipples flowing in the breeze.

Freeing the nipple is a trademark of the boys’ show.  BBQ had nipple holes cut out of his shirt, sporting a look I like to call the anti-paiste. 

 These guys love to talk between songs. Even BBQ Show made fun of their endless banter, comparing their show to a Henry Rollins spoken word set. You can tell that they are both usually the guy who does all the talking in their other bands.  Between songs, there were flashes of mutual annoyance like two youngest children competing for attention, as they both jockeyed for the spotlight. But while they played together there was nothing but love, baby. L-U-V.

Most of their chit chat was hilarious, the highlight being about the song that made their publicist drop them. The lyrics involved their wanting to have taste buds on their genitalia and buttholes, to savor every taste. I hope the door didn’t hit the publicist on the way out. My buddy Chip was there, and he agrees. Chip may not play instruments, but he knows bad management when he sees it. 

Some kid staged dived and the audience dropped him, just like they did to the singer from Viagra Boys when I saw them at Underground Arts. 

King Khan was amused. “That’s what we love about Philly. They drop you, but then they pick you up again.” 

There is a metaphor in there somewhere. 

Their cover of the 1978 Johnny Thunders classic, “You can’t Wrap Your Arms Around a Memory” had me singing, to the disappointment of everyone around me including Chip, who stood a couple people away for a while. 

The boys brought the bartender on stage for everyone to applaud. To a novice, that might seem like a cheap ploy to get into her pants. But judging the size of their bellies, I’d say it was a cheap ploy to get free drinks. Respect.

Make sure you check both these bands out next time they come to a venue near you. And don’t forget to tip your bartender. 

A Sure Fire Hack that Makes Everyone Want to Jam With You.

Posted on by Steve Levandoski

Don’t Worry. This method has nothing to do with scale, modes, or time signatures. Technically, It doesn’t even really have to do with making music. But I guarantee, if you just follow these two simple steps, your jam card will always be full. Your bandmates will love you, and so will every sound engineer that you encounter live or in the studio. Heck, you may even snag some session work off of it. And you literally have to do nothing. 

Step One: Stop making noise and STFU when other people are trying to talk or trouble shoot gear around you.

Step Two: Repeat as necessary.

Who hasn’t been in this situation? The guitar player is showing the bass player the chords, while Keith Moon in the corner is thrashing away at full volume, trying to decide between a paradiddle, a double paradiddle, or a flamadiddle to lead into the next chorus. 

But, of course— and this isn’t said out loud very often— it’s not always the drummer’s fault. If only there was a way for the guitarist to doodle between songs without getting on everyone’s last nerve. Sigh.

But Wait! There is! We have the technology in the form of a new fangled device called the “volume knob.” (see picture below.) 

First try playing a power chord with the volume knob turned up all the way. Then ask your lead  singer how much back rent they owe their landlord. It’s not easy to discern the amount, is it*? 

 Now, turn the volume knob completely off. Notice how you are the only one who can hear the guitar now, and people around you can enjoy a conversation without shouting? Volume knob technology has also made its way to keyboards, Omnichords, Stylaphones, and even bass guitars! 

But what about Acoustic instruments, you say? They don’t have volume knobs. Drummers can play air drums or on your knees. Guitar players can just strum quietly. Didgeridoo players, use a didgeridoo mute. Everyone around you will be so much nicer to you.

Think you got it down? Take the quiz:

  1. You are waiting for an engineer to finish setting up your drums mic. His ear is located right next to an 24” Paiste Rude ride cymbal and he isn’t wearing hearing protection.

Should you: 

A. Do your best Meg White impression and wail on the edge of the cymbal.

B. See how your rim shot technique has come along. Is it loud enough yet? How about now?

C. Do nothing but stare blankly into space.

2.  Your keyboard player spilled another beer on her $650,000 vintage Farfisa organ. 

Should you:

A. See if you can get your sax to squeal like Big Jay McNeely.

B. Play the Benny Hill theme while she scrambles to find canned air to dry out the insides.

C. Do nothing but stare blankly into space.

3. The front of the house engineer yells “kick” and starts tweaking the gate on the drummer’s bass drum. Should you:

A. Jam along with kick drum ¼ notes, because what is drums without bass? Boring!

B. Tune your four-string at full blast for the whole audience to enjoy.

C. Do nothing but stare blankly into space.

Please forward this to anyone who needs to read it.

Answers: C. The answer is always C.

*This was a joke. Any lead singer worth their salt has no idea how much money the landlord is owed. That’s what roommates are for. That and toilet paper. And peanut butter. And . . .

Beat the Heat! These Isolated Tracks will give you Goosebumps.

Posted on by Steve Levandoski

John Bonham: Fool in the Rain.

I could get kicked out of the drummer’s union if I didn’t make Bonham number one. A variation on the Purdie shuffle, this drum beat combines two time signatures: triplets on the hi hats with a 2/4 backbeat on the kick and snare. 

Being able to play it is one thing. Grooving it is another.

I’ll let James Brown’s Bernard “Pretty” Purdie himself ‘splain how to play a half time shuffle as only he can.

Clyde Stubblefield: The Funky Drummer.

Here is another of James Brown’s drum assassins, rocking the most sampled breakbeat in history. 

Ain’t it funky? Why yes, James. It is. It sure is.

Freddy Mercury: Don’t Stop Me Now.

100 degrees. He is the intersection of technique and passion, with a voice as bashful as a berserker. Damn, when he glides from chest voice to head voice, it’s like he was born without a zona di passaggio. Not sure if this was before or after he wupped Sid Vicious’ ass.

Marc Bolan: 20th Century Boy.

I love everything about this track: the playing, the sound, the production, the attitude, the style. While not the most technical guitar player, Marc Bolan has feel for days, so much so that Ike Turner tapped him to play rhythm for Tina.

Billy Preston: I Want You. (She’s so Heavy)

The fifth Beatle, Billy Preston, sprinkles a quarter-pound of fairy dust all over this track. I can see why the Fab Four kept this dude on retainer. The rooftop concert is the only live footage I could find of Preston playing with the boys.

I love the stabs during the bass feature parts. Speaking of…

Paul McCartney: Paperback Writer.

While I wouldn’t call it a shame that the Cute One’s singing and songwriting overshadows his talents as a bass player, the proof is in the pudding. Recording engineer Geoff Emerick said that McCartney was generally easy going in the studio, but was a stickler for his bass tone, spending hours redoing his parts when the other guys retreated back to the giant row home that shared from Help!

Wilton Felder: I Want You Back.

Randy Roads: Crazy Train.

On my first day at Scouts, I tried to make conversation with a long-haired, older kid while he sneaked a smoke.“Hey Jay, what is up with that patch on your jean jacket? Who is Randy Roads?”
He looked at me like a slandered Mr. T. ”Are you kidding me? You don’t know who fucking Randy Roads is? What the fuck is wrong with you, Steve? And if you tell anyone about this cigarette I’ll kick your ass.”
I still owe him.
Randy’s amp was so loud that they needed to put him in an isolated room for his own safety.

Whitney Houston: “I Will Always Love You.”

Dolly Parton first heard Whitney’s version on her car radio.” I was shot so full of adrenaline and energy, I had to pull off, because I was afraid that I would wreck, so I pulled over quick as I could to listen to that whole song,”

The only person happier than Dolly was her agent after the royalty checks rolled in.

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