Why I Care.
The term “Affluenza” is “the inability to understand the consequences of one’s actions because of financial privilege.” Affluenza affects 1% of the US population, so about 3.2 million United States citizens.
Licensed psychologist, G. Dick Miller (“Call me Dick”) defended maligned teen Ethan Couch, after the poor boy, accidentally killed a couple people in a drunk driving incident while innocently sowing his wild oats. He was mercifully given 10 years probation and no jail time, but his untreated Affluenza continued to plague him until he skipped out on parole, ending up the subject of a manhunt that ended Mexico where he was found higher than Willie Nelson on his birthday. Sadly, Couch’s luck ran out. He was arrested, convicted, jailed, and released last year. This didn’t happen in Communist China. This happened in the U.S. of A.
To my knowledge, there is no other research being conducted to find a cure. (I didn’t look too hard, though.) I’m willing to sacrifice my health and help fight Affluenza from the inside, by accepting enough donations for me to join the 1%. In the great State of Pennsylvania, that’s just $388,593 a year. A pittance compared to the cost of research of other diseases. I don’t even need a laboratory, though I might buy one on a whim to make small batch gin.
What I’m Willing to Endure.
I’m willing to infiltrate the 1% and report back on the side effects, including but not limited to:
Wearing boat shoes with no socks.
Clapping off-rhythm at concerts.
Suffering from hemophilia developed from recursive inbreeding.
Developing a reluctance to tipping waitstaff, especially automatic gratuities for tables of four or more.
Naming my kids Mercedes, London, or Baron.
Suggesting that the impoverished pull themselves up by their boot straps without providing boots.
Referencing the tribulations of deceased immigrant relatives that I never met.
Taking up two parking spots in my future Beamer. Three if I get a Tesla.
Severe allergic reactions to paying taxes to where I’ll need to isolate myself from my money using offshore accounts.
Why I’m Qualified.
As a cis gendered, white male Gen X’er, I’ll fit right in, after I get a Peaky Blinders haircut and a Rolex. Did I mention that I’m really into bath bombs? I think, given proper funding, I could take to frivolous spending like ants to syrup.
How YOU can Make a Difference.
For just the price of a cup of coffee a day, you can buy me a cup of coffee a day. Is there a chance that I will ghost everyone after receiving my first thousand and flake out on my research? Of course. I don’t own a crystal ball. Who knows what journey this disease will take me on? But if my fresh Yeeseys 450’s can bring us one step closer to a cure, then it’s all worth it. Be a hero. Do your part.
https://www.gofundme.com/manage/help-find-the-cure-for-affluenza
Next In Line Magazine 