Next In Line Magazine

Sun Ra and his Arkestra 

Years of Invasion: 1934-1993

A founder of Afrofuturism,  Herman Blount named himself after the Egyptian Sun God Rah. 

Sun-rah was based in the Germantown section of Philadelphia, and his Arkestra perform to this day.

One day, aliens with little antennas over each ear and each eye abducted Sun Ra. They took him to planet Jupiter where they could have some privacy, made him an honorary Jovian, then told him to drop out of school and spread the truth about them through his music. To be fair, many musicians have reported this similar situation since the 1960’s, but this was before LSD was a big thing.

Lee “Scratch” Perry- 

Years of Invasion: 1958 to 2021

Hailing from the planet Sirius, Famous Dub Reggae producer, Lee “Scratch”  Perry  was between 85 and 78,000 years old when he died, depending on the source. He took the art of mixing and flipped it on its head, making the engineer part of the band while recording some of the greatest drum tracks in history. During his stay on our water planet, he produced everyone from Bob Marley to the Beastie Boys in the studio.  He’s also credited with the first sample in his Song “People Funny Boy” a diss track about another producer where he flew in the sound of a baby crying.

The Spotnicks

Years of Invasion: 1958 to 2019

The Spotniks landed in Sweden and may be the first band to wear astronaut outfits on stage. They wrote a song called Rocketman years before Elton John. Check out their killer version of the Johnny Cash classic “Orange County Special.” It will blow your blues away. If you like twangy guitars, this is for you.

Parliament Funkadelic

Years of Invasion: 1968 top present

Parliament Funkadelic, under the leadership of Sir George Clinton, was the first band to land a spaceship on stage. If only Elon musk was old enough to be there, it would have saved him a bunch of trouble. I’m not sure what Dr. Funkenstein was searching for on this planet, but he sure found a lot of cocaine. 

The Space Lady 

Years of Invasion: 1970’s to Present

Wearing a silver plastic helmet with white wings and a flashing red light on top, this street musician did super creepy versions of popular hits on a Casio keyboard. She’s who David Lynch would hire to play a chidren’s party at Kristin Wiig’s house. Just goes to show, it’s better to busk on earth than to wait tables on Uranus. She still performs in costume to this day.

David Bowie

Years of Invasion: 1962-2016

If I have to tell you who David Bowie is, you better have just landed your spaceship. Lock yourself in a room and don’t come out until you’ve listened to his complete discography. But who is that weirdo in the background? Could it be . . .

Klaus Nomi 

Years of Invasion: 1978 to 1983

This guy has warned earthlings about global warming since the 80’s. When Klaud Nomi first performed on earth, people thought he was lip syncing. Dying right before Freddy Mercury, He was considered the first celebrity AIDS fatality. He passed away alone in a hospital bed because no one knew how AIDS was transmitted yet, so he didn’t have any visitors. Saint Vincent designed her Musicman signature guitar after his look. There is a great documentary called Nomi Song that explains every morbid detail. 

Zolar X 

Years of Invasion: 1973-Present

Zolar X brought Glam Rock from outer space to LA, speaking their own language called Zolarian. Of course, it was the 70’s so nobody reported them to the FBI, they just asked them to stay off their porches and away from their daughters. Jello Biafra, a huge fan, released their album “timeless.” on Alternative Tentacles, showcasing their proto punk influence. They remind  me of Cheap Trick but with Vince Neil’s Trecky cousin singing and no Rick Nielson on five necked guitar. 

Kiss

Years of Invasion: 1973 – Present

KISS is a rock band from the planet of KISSteria in the galaxy Copyrightia. Their mission: capture as much human money as possible by shelling everything from comic books to coffins in order to buy more makeup and bigger platform shoes. Unfortunately they aren’t going back until they drain every last resource on Earth, using farewell tour show after farewell tour.  

Les Rockets

Years of Invasion: 1976-Present

Les Rockets were France’s answer to Devo. They are like if the Tinman from Wizard of Ozz and the Blue Man group had a baby in a disco. They also did a kickass as cover of the Spotniks song “Last Space Train.”  These guys took their silver makeup very seriously, and never traveled far without a greenscreen. 

Newcleus

Years of Invasion: 1977-2019

There is some nice production on these tracks, with tricky panning and fat drum sounds that were really ahead of its time. The first rap group from outer space, Newcleus were innovators of electronic music, which went perfectly with scientific sound effects. They did some really cool stuff with vocoders light years before Cher. 

Joe Meek and the Blue Men

Years of Invasion: 1960-1967

A rival of Les Paul, Joe Meek was the mad scientist of sound engineers, who invented a lot of techniques that we take for granted, including spot micing drums and abusing audio compressors to make crazy effects. Unfortunately, like Kanye, this genius came with untreated mental illness. He had violent outbursts, throwing studio musicians down the stairs with their gear tumbling behind them. He also pointed a gun at Mitch Mitchell, the drummer from the Jimi Hendrix Experience. Meek’s sad tale ended when he shot his landlady. Check out the 2008 documentary A Life in the Death of Joe Meek or the book Joe Meek’s Bold Techniques for more info.

Max Rebo Band 

Years of Invasion: 1983- Present

From Star Wars.com 

“Max Rebo was the heart (or at least the fluid sac) of the band that bore his name, and could be found onstage behind the pedals of his red ball organ. From there he kept an ear on his 

bandmates’ playing and an eye on the sleazy clients who hired his ensemble for their entertainment.” 

Phenomenauts- 

Years of Invasion: 1984-Present

Earliest sighting in Oakland California, where the Phenomenaunts became notorious when they brought their own portable state to the Warped tour, setting up and playing in between bands. It wasn’t long before the prompters noticed the Phenomenauts’ stick-to-it-iveness and asked them to join the tour as official members. They went on to release a whole album dedicated to Neil Degrass Tyson, quite possibly their favorite human being. 

Gwar 

Years of Invasion: 1984 to present

Everytime I hear the song “Maggots” it brings me back to happier, simpler days. These Aliens, who took up residence in an old milk factory in Richmond VA, came to destroy the human race for obvious reasons, and people lined up to be thrown in a giant chipper shredder. Some genius wrote all about his trip to Gwarbar.

Original lead singer Odious Maximus may be dead, but his cuttlefish lives on in some evidence locker at a police station in Charlotte South Carolina. Hopefully, someone has to dust it. 

Zodiac Mindwarp

Years of Invasion:1985-2022

Hailing from Planet Buttrock from the galaxy of Spandexia, the drums were permanently infected with gated reverb after they entered our solar system in their hairspray powered rocket. They may have caused the hole in the ozone, but their lyrics are pretty funny.  

Man or Astro Man? 

Years of Invasion: 1992 to Present

These guys bring their own sparking Tesla coils and like to mic a dot matrix printer on stage. 

They also wrote the theme song for Space Ghost, Coast to Coast, one of the most brilliant shows to ever appear on celestial television. Man or Astroman is a real treat live, sometimes dressing up like they parachuted into the building before mowing everyone down with verbed out guitars and wildman drums. 

Spacehog 

Years of Invasion: 1994-2014

  Four Aliens met at a restaurant in New York City where one had a job killing rats and decided to form a band. No word if they got the inspiration for their name from the Muppet Show’s mocku-drama “Pigs in Space,” but this is the theory I’m working under. You can bet there is some Bowie and Marc Bolan in these guys’ record collections. During his stay, Space Hog’s Royston Langdon impregnated an elf named Liv Tyler, a close friend of Frodo Baggins.

Dr. Octagon

Years of Invasion: 1996-2008

Taking over the body of rapper Kool Keith, Dr. Octagon was an intergalactic gynecologist from Jupter, whose surgeries could go either way. Alas he was murdered by Dr. Dooom with three “o’s”, way before his time. In 2011, someone remixed one album, cutting in bits of a Sandra Bernheart stand up routine.  I wouldn’t be shocked if she was an alien too, sent here to enhance the Richard Pryor Show and keep Madonna company. 

 First Band from Outer Space

Years of Invasion: 2001-Present

What is it about Aliens landing in Sweden? Are they searching for the infamous Swedish fish? These stoner rockers come from Planet Weed, and got so high that they really think they were the first band from outer space, when they are clearly near the end of my chronological list. If you like Hawkwind you’ll dig these guys.

Janelle Monae 

Years of Invasion: 2003-Present

Janelle follows in the footsteps of LGBQ artists like David Bowie and Klaus Nomi,using their space schtick as a metaphor for the alienation they feel on earth. Her music sounds like a cross between Michael and Janet Jackson, if it was produced by Pharrel. She’s not too good at matching her boots, though.

A little way into the documentary “This is Gwar” (2021), my wife turned to me. “Wait. Gwar has a bar called GwarBar? Don’t we have some leftover Airbnb credits from when we canceled our trip to Baltimore during the pandemic? Wanna go?”

Soon, we strapped our pug Phil Collins in the backseat of our Ford Fiesta and cruised down ‘95, listening to the state of Virginny’s own Statler Brothers as we pulled into Richmond.

For the uninitiated, the band Gwar crash landed on earth in 1984 after fleeing their home planet Scumdogia under dodgy pretenses. Appearances on The Joan Rivers Show and Beavis and Butthead  helped spread the news. Their mission? Exterminate humanity as loudly as possible. 

Gwar lucked out. Kids line up around the block for Balsac the Jaws of Death, Blöthar the Berserker, and Flatus Maximus to throw them into chipper shredders or flush them down giant toilets. If you don’t stagger home from an evening with Gwar covered in fake blood, you didn’t do it right. These guys are the Gallager (RIP) of thrash metal, but with significantly more cuttlefish. (now available for purchase for the person/persons you love.

After dropping Phil off at the Airbnb, we made a pit stop at the Poe Museum to get in the mindset of Gwar, like doing stretches. Man, that fellah could not catch a break. Edgar Allen Poe didn’t become famous until after death, and worked a crappy desk job until his suspicious demise. Just to be a dick, his boss sawed off the back of his chair. Was he the guy Poe wanted to seal alive behind a wall in the Cask of Amontillado, brick by brick? I hope so.

Want to hear grisly tales of his childhood? How about his miserly uncle’s role in his death or the ghastly fate of his worst critic? Pay them a visit to find out.

After hitting up a bunch of cool thrift stores, we made it to GwarBar, a cross between Starbucks and the Hello Kitty store. Just kidding, the joint looked like a torture chamber from outer space pockmarked with disgusting Gwar memorabilia, but still clean and hygienic in all the right places. They had Naragausset on tap, a touchstone of class, and super obscure 80’s/90’s punk rock blasting off the dungeon themed walls. I don’t know much about ambiance, but I know it when I see it. 

 I ordered the Meat Sandwich, (pulled pork) and my better half had the We Don’t Kill Everything veggie sandwich. Both sandwiches were delectable and reasonably priced. Gwar doesn’t do price gouging, just regular gouging. Our meal lasted as long on our plates as a white blouse does at the Wing Bowl. 

To burn off our carriage, we picked up Phil and went for a hike in Hollywood Cemetery. It’s not a Goth shop in the mall, but the name of a real cemetery containing the remains of former U.S. President James Monroe, former President John Tyler, and former Gwar frontman Oderus Urungus. (Or what’s left of him after his viking funeral.) I didn’t leave trinket’s on David Brockie’s grave but I didn’t steal any lighters either, so it was a lateral move. 

We stopped at the Rest in Pieces oddity shop on the way out to make sure that Richmond really was the most Goth city south of Baltimore. If you are looking for skulls to put on your walls or scorpion wine stoppers, the store is one stop shopping.

 Richmond is a cool, artsy city. Even if you aren’t into thrash metal, put in some earplugs and stop at Gwarbar for the Meat Sandwich.

We all know those Christmas songs. The Mariah Carey one that shall not be mentioned. The one about the donkey. The other one with that ignorant keyboard part that makes us question a Beatles’ knighthood. 

After spending countless sleeps sipping Adderall infused eggnog, the staff at Next In Line have compiled a list of every single Christmas song that we could all agree upon and vouch for. These picks will not only sound fresh this Christmas, but next Christmas, and every one after that. 

1. The Kinks Father Christmas

Of course, Next in Line Magazine would list The Kink’s as number one. What’s not to like? The catchy chorus? The classic Les Paul/Tele combo? The lyrics about the rich kids getting all the toys while the poor kids get Monopoly money, not the real Mcoy? 

And that concludes Next in Line Magazines List of all the Christmas songs that never get old. Happy Holidays everyone! See you next year!

Give creative people knobs and they will twiddle them. Instruction manual? What’s that? Don’t exceed recommended settings? Yeah right! Like a stock car racer, the first thing they do with a new piece of gear is to punch it to the max and see what that baby’s got. 

Creative types also like to play with things that would get their hands smacked at engineering school: manipulating actual tape with their grubby paws, tinkering with busted circuits, and slashing speaker cones while voiding warranties left and right.

From Dimebag Darrel’s metal distortion to  the gated reverb on Phil Collins’ tom-toms, sometimes too much is the perfect amount. They can’t describe why it’s cool, they just know it when they hear it again. And before long, someone would make the pedal version and cash in.

Here are five effects invented when the boss wasn’t around.

Fuzz

Who Invented It: Believe it or not, Country Western music gets the credit, both for inventing fuzz, and then immediately abandoning the effect. While Glenn Snoddy was recording Marty Robbins’ “Don’t Worry,” a transformer blew on the recording studio’s giant mixing board, mangling the signal. They fell in love with the sound, but only as a one time novelty. Once Hendrix got a FuzzFace pedal, it was all over.

How It’s Replicated: The fuzz pedal replicates the blow circuit by clipping either a silicon or germanium transistor, according to taste. Chopping off the peaks this way turns the naturally rounded peaks into jagged square buzz cuts that generate new frequencies while distorting the signal.

The First Stompbox: The Gibson Maestro FZ-1 Fuzz-Tone in 1962. Keith Richards used one  on the Rolling Stone’s I Can’t Get No Satisfaction. 

A Classic Example:  

Distortion/Overdrive

Who Invented It: In the 1940’s, blues musicians figured out that if they cranked amps all the way, it literally put them into overdrive and sounded rad as hell. Ike Turner is credited with creating distortion when his amp fell off the back of his truck on the way to the studio, tearing a hole in his speaker cone on his way to record “Rocket 88”. Years later, Link Ray went Norman Bates on his speakers with a pencil for his song “Rumble”, inspiring The Kink’s Ray Davies to take a razor to his cones for “You Really Got Me.”

How It’s Replicated: There’s no need to slash speaker cones anymore. Distortion pedals use transistors and op-amps to boost the signal to the point of distortion before it even hits the guitar amplifier. Now, guitar amps could sound cranked to eleven when turned down to three, making live sound engineers around the world rejoice. 

The First StompBox: Both the Boss Ds-1 and Proco Rat came out in 1978. 

A Classic Example:

Delay

Who Invented It: In the 1940’s, French collective Musique Concrète  stumbled on the delay effect during their avant guard sound experiments with portable recording decks. Across the pond Sun Studios owner Sam Phillips, the same guy who discovered Elvis, Johnny Cash, and Jerry Lee Lewis, recreated the effect by chaining two recorders together. Before pedal versions came out, Ray Butts made the effect portable with Echosonic, a delay unit with a built-in speaker.

How It’s Replicated: The pedal records the signal and plays it back along with the original signal.  Knobs can adjust the time delay in milliseconds.

The First Stompbox: Electro-Harmonix Memory Man in 1976, used on U2’s Sunday Bloody Sunday.

Classic Example:

Phaser

Who Invented It: Acoustic innovator, Steven Reich, created the effect when he noticed that two signals would start to flange in a cool way if one was even slightly faster than the other one, creating the phase effect.

How It’s replicated: A circuit is used to split the signal. These signals are then modulated so that when they are recombined, the frequencies either reinforce or cancel each other out, creating a crazy sweeping effect.

The First Stompbox: in 1968, Shin-ei invented the Uni-Vibe to replicate the Leslie rotary speaker that cost as much as a used car. The Uni-Vibe didn’t sound like a Lesie, which actually spun their woofers and tweeters around to create the effect, but had its own cool vibe.

A Classic Example:

Flange

Who Invented It: The same guy who invented the harmonica holder, multitrack recording, and the Les Paul Guitar. Les Paul set up multiple recorders and wound one tape head slightly faster with his fingers, creating the effect.

John Lennon is credited for coining the term “flange.”

How It’s Replicated: Like the delay pedal, a second signal is added, but this one has a low frequency oscillator combined with one of the signals. 

The First Stompbox: Electro-Harmonix Electric Mistress in 1975.

Classic Example: 0:48  in

“Whatever you now find weird, ugly, uncomfortable and nasty about a new medium will surely become its signature. CD distortion, the jitteriness of digital video, the crap sound of 8-bit – all of these will be cherished and emulated as soon as they can be avoided. It’s the sound of failure: so much modern art is the sound of things going out of control, of a medium pushing to its limits and breaking apart. The distorted guitar sound is the sound of something too loud for the medium supposed to carry it. The blues singer with the cracked voice is the sound of an emotional cry too powerful for the throat that releases it. The excitement of grainy film, of bleached-out black and white, is the excitement of witnessing events too momentous for the medium assigned to record them.”

• Brian Eno 

Further Learning:

https://www.premierguitar.com/gear/modulation-nation-chorus-phasing-and-flanging

Ladies, gentleman, and everyone in between . . . meet Jerry!