“Touring, touring, it’s never boring.”
-The Ramones.
Are you and the band ready for the big time? Touring is both the most fun and most stressful thing a musician can do, besides paying rent on time. Here are some tips for the road that I’ve gathered over the years from touring with various bands.
Van Map
Figure out the best way to pack the van on day one, and then draw a diagram and tape it to the inside of the door. The van map keeps you from forgetting stuff, since the diagram will point out when something is missing. Musical equipment, especially drum hardware, is expensive, so every little oopsie will set you back at least a hundo, which is probably double what you will get paid that night.
Dr Bronner’s Magic Soap. (Or any castile soap, that’s made from olive oil.)
A bottle of this will provide your laundry detergent, hand soap, dishsoap, body soap, shampoo, dog soap or almost anything else for your de-crusting needs.
A Pillow and Sleeping Bag Liner
Regular sleeping bags are way too hot for sleeping indoors. Get a fleece sleeping bag liner that is more like a blanket instead.
Headlamp
Great for emergency car repair or peeing on the side of the road in the dark.
Car Inspection and Oil Change.
Don’t end the tour before it even starts.
Wax Earplugs
Your bass player will snore louder than his CPAP machine patched through his 8,000 Watt Harke amp. Wax earplugs are great for not losing hearing at shows or if you want to go swimming in a lake without earning a weird ear infection.
Walmart Parking Lots
Walmart is kind enough to let you sleep in their lots without calling the fuzz. This will give you plenty of energy to shoplift from them in the morning.
Roll your T-shirts and Label the Size with Masking Tape.
This way you don’t need to dig around to find those 3XL t-shirts when you hit Texas.
Cop Camo
If you litter your bumper with band stickers, you are begging cops to pull you over. Get a couple “Support our Troops,” “#1 Soccer Mom” or NRA magnetic bumper sticks that you can take off after the tour. Or better yet, keep your bumper naked, bland, and forgettable.
If You Do Get Pulled Over.
Your band is into classic rock, and sounds just like Lynyrd Skynyrd. Sixty percent of the time, it works all the time. Try Kid Rock or Jellyroll on the younger cops.
Planet Fitness for Showers.
I wish this fifteen dollar a month deal was around when I was on the road. I stole this idea from stand up comics.
Dollar Movie Theaters for Naps.
Local Authorities are cracking down on people sleeping in their cars because they hate our freedom. Just pick a boring movie and drift off in the comfy seats and airconditioning.
Create a Fake Manager.
“Sorry guys. We would have loved to play your Monday night benefit show to buy squatters toothpaste for free, but Tanya is such a jerk sometimes.” If Tanya becomes too power hungry or pisses off too many people, she’s easy to fire and replace.
Public Libraries
A free air conditioned place to chill. Just don’t read anything, or your drummer might get too smart to play drums. If you do want to read something, I suggest “Our Band Could Be Your Life.”
Play Florida Man.
The game is that everyone googles their birthday and Month with the modifier “Florida Man” and takes turns reading the headlines from their birthday. It truly never gets old. My headline was “December 8th, a Florida Man offered to pay an Officer with a Hamburger for Oral Sex.”
Promote! Promote! Promote!
There is no such thing as too much promotion. Bring a poster and flyers with blank dates and addresses you can fill in and then photocopy. Instead of complaining that there is nothing to do in Youngstown Ohio or Wilmington DE, hand out flyers, meet cool weirdos, and invite them out to the show. Sometimes just one person will bring out the whole squad.
Mail your Merch.
Have the package sent to a club you are playing around the halfway point, when you start running out of shirts. Make sure to get the address right. (Trust Me.)
Research State Laws.
Making the laws slightly different is how they get you. Don’t get caught with weed in Texas or sleep in your car with the keys still in the ignition in Florida.
Don’t get a Cheesesteak Anywhere Outside of Philly.
I toured with a guy who tried them in every state and every single nonPhilly cheesesteak sucked ass.
Antichaff Sticks or Powder.
No need to go into morbid detail on this.
Cases.
Any piece of gear that doesn’t have a hard or at least soft case probably won’t make it through a second tour, especially if drinking is involved. Protect your investments.
Window Squeegee and Glass Cleaner.
The glass cleaner at gas stations hasn’t been changed since the 1950’s. Those bug carcasses in the Midwest will overpower the wipers. They sell squeegees for five bucks at Ikia.
Self-Protection.
Carrying a knife will get you locked up, depending where you are, and the blade. Bring a huge pair of channel locks instead, so it doesn’t look premeditated when you need to wack a road-raging Cybertruck driver upside the head with them.
Have Someone Sleep in the Van.
Also load whatever gear you want to keep into your hotel room, dorm, or squat.
AAA
Someone in the group has to be on their mom’s account. It’s not useful until it is.
Respect Privacy.
The bathroom is the fortress of solitude and no one wants to hear your voice at the truckstop when they are dropping a deuce, unless you are cheering them on.
Get a Button Maker.
I had a roadie who earned enough selling buttons to drink for free every night.
Van. Speaking of. . .
Get a Roadie Who Can Tattoo.
“If you let us crash at your house, you will get a free shitty tattoo tonight, or a good one in the morning.”
Never Date Anyone You Meet on the Road.
Of the people I’ve talked to, there is a zero percent success rate. Just hope they don’t threaten to burn your parents house down with mommy and dad still in it. (True Story.)
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