I get it. Fender and Gibson make damn good guitars for the best of the best. I have a surf green Mexican Strat that saw enough action to warrant a re-fret that never let me down once. And the Les Paul is as genuine and amazing as its namesake. If “Hotel California” taught us anything, the Fenders and Gibsons go together as well as corruption and politics. But it seems like every band under the age of thirty doesn’t even know other brands exist. If I see one more Fender headstock, I’m going to flip my bippy. Here are 14 touring guitarists that have the courage to pick another brand.
Annie Clark: Saint Vincent/ David Bryne.
Ernie Ball Music Man Saint Vincent Signature model.
Annie Clark’s signature guitar is odd yet calculated just like her solos. Even David Bryne thinks she’s a weirdo. She helped design the first guitar made specifically to accommodate the female body. While primarily known for their basses, Music Man also makes Love’s own Albert Lee signature guitar.
Serra Pétale: Los Bitchos
Eastwood Ichibam kl2
Los Bitchos are a bunch of London girls by way of Western Australia. They like their surf rock a little tangy, with elements of South American beats and a dash of psychedelia. Those ladies always look like they are having a blast on stage. With a name like Los Bitcho’s, how could they not be?
Hester Chambers: WetLeg
Hofner (Höfner) HCT Galaxie
She plays guitar with everyone’s favorite perverts, Wet Leg. “On the chaise longue, on the chaise longue, on the chaise longue all day long, on the chaise longue. “ Even Harry Styles couldn’t escape their pop perfection, and did a cover of “Wet Dream.”
Mike watt players: The Minutemen, fIREHOUSE, The Stooges
Reverend Wattpower Bass
Mike Watt. If you know, you know, and if you don’t know, you should. Only Reverend Guitars could make a signature model holy enough for this fucking corndog to defend himself agaisnt the 70’s.
Wolfgang Von Frankenstein: The Misfits
Dean Doyle Signature Annihilator
Does Doyle actually play guitar or does he just punch it like a timecard? Either way, he looks cool as hell. Legend has it, he rates every show according to how much his fingers bleed that night. His Dean signature model takes a beating every night, often needing to be swapped out for another identical model between songs with his guitar tech fixes it. That guy isn’t paid enough.
The Whole Band: Shannon and the Clams
Danelectros
I saw them live and was blown away by the power of Shannon’s voice.That lady could give a legit opera singer a run for her money. Her gold sparkle Danelectro bass is a perfect fit for The Clams retro 60’s vibe.
Stu Mackenzie King Gizzard and the Wizard Lizard
Yamaha 1967 Flying Samurai
I always tell people, if you think you don’t like King Gizzard and the Wizard Lizard, wait a couple songs. They are so diverse that they will eventually land on something you’ll like. Stu Machenzie loves weird ass guitars, including this 60’s Yamaha.
Marissa Paternoster/ Screaming females
g and l s-500
Kramer jersey stat hornet galaxy
If you aren’t careful, Marissa Paternoster will shred your face off. She is living proof that there are still guitarists who are willing to take risks, and stand out rather than blend in. In fact, between her and Annie Clark, it seems to me that women are doing the most good on the guitar nowadays. Get it together boys!
To be fair, G and L was Leo Fender’s company after he sold the Fender company, but legally they aren’t Fenders, so fuck off. Jerry Cantral of Alice in Chains also uses G and L for their beefy tones.
Wolfgang Van Halen
EVH SA-126
Not sure what EVH Guitars could possibly stand for, but I’m sure this ain’t no First Act Guitar. Wolfgang added a semi hollobody design to the old man’s guitar, making it his own. Apparently Eddie’s kid plays all the instruments on his records like Prince. His Drumeo videos are always a good time, and showcase what happens when your uncle is Alex Van Halan.
Nameless Ghoul: Ghost
Hagstrom Fantomen.
It’s surprising that Hagstrom isn’t a household name, since Elvis Presely played one. The Hagstrom Fantomen really fits in with the metal aesthetic of Ghost, like the satans house key. Even the tuning pegs look evil.
Josh Homme: Queens of the Stoneage, Kyruss
Marin bb1200
Josh Holme could play any guitar, but chooses Maren. This guy knows a thing or two about riffs, so the guitars must be amazing. This one matches his jacket really well.
King Buzzo: Melvins/Fantômas
Electric Guitar Factory King Buzzo Standard.
Costing as much as a nice used car, this aluminum neck guitar can take the pounding that King Buzzo unleashes on it every night. This one is on my post lottery wishlist.
Zac Sokolow: LA LOM
Kay Style Leader
If you need a chill vibe, I have the band for you. These guys are like the Ventures meet Los Lobo’s. Zac’s vintage Kay Style Leader swims in a river of reverb, and has three pickups with volume and tone control for each.
The Whole Band: Los Straightjackets
Various Dipinto Guitars.
I saw Los Straightjackets play an outdoor fest at the Philly Art Museum. Despite all their whammy barring and neck bending, they only had to tune up ONCE before they played. Talk about workhouse guitars! These things are more suited for surf music than surfboards.
Moulty was the one-armed drummer who started it all. He played with The Barbarians, straight outta Cape Cod. My uncle-in-law partied with him in the 60’s and says he’s “a hell of a good guy.” Moutly was name checked by the Ramones in the song “Do You Remember Rock and Roll Radio?” with the line, “Will you remember Jerry Lee, John Lennon, T.Rex and Ol’ Moulty?”
Jason Barnes
How he lost it: He lost it from a severe electrical shock.
Besides being a drummer and music producer, Jason Barnes also holds the Guiness book of World Records holder for most drum beats in one minute. He controls his robot arm using the remaining muscles in his arm. The two sets of sticks on his prosthetic arm create unique instrumental patterns, not unlike how Tony Iommi’s tone was influenced by the Black Sabbath guitar player’s prosthetic finger tips. It really is a shame that so many musicians get factory jobs. Will Jason Barnes’ be an early Neurolink adopter?
Jack Thomas-
How he lost it: He lost it due to a faulty conveyor belt at work when he was still a teenager, and immediately jumped to physical therapy with a kick-ass attitude.
How he overcame it: No idea how he does what he does one handed. He’s just really fucking good.
This guy is an absolute beast. He’s involved with Drumeo, so you can see him operating the mouse lending vibe to the poor bastard during the “Hears Blank for the First Time” series. That’s where they find a technically demanding song that a drummer has never heard before and must improv a drum part on the spot on camera. Sadistic, clean, fun for the whole family.
Buddy Rich (For One Tour)
How he broke it: Playing stickball like a 1930’s orphan.
How he overcame it: The same way Jack Thomas did, just playing twice as fast with one hand.
If you are wondering how Buddy developed his famous one handed drum roll, here is Buddy in his own words, “There was a lot of comment about that period in 1948 when I played with one hand, because one arm was in a sling. I understand Jo Jones said: ‘If that heals, he ought to break it again.’ That was a thing born out of necessity. I was playing handball one morning when I fell, and broke my arm in three places. So they rushed me to the doctor; he straightened my arm out and put it in a cast. Well, the band had been booked for months in advance. And with 19 people on the payroll, I couldn’t very well just say: “We’ll be off for three months.” There was too much involved to cancel our bookings, We were in Dayton, Ohio; we played a one-nighter that night. The following week we played the Apollo Theatre in New York, and immediately after closing there we opened at the Paramount Theatre.
It was just a matter of having to do it. What the hell’s the difference anyway? If you can play with two hands, you can play with one. If you don’t have any, you play with your feet. Which I did, too, using bass drums, in the Paramount show.”
Rick Allen
How he lost it: Contrary to popular belief, Rick wasn’t drunk when he had the car accident that took his arm. He was driving in England trying to pass someone.
How he overcame it. He utilized electronic drum pads that he could play with his feet.
I know I said drummer’s besides Def Leppard’s Rick Allen, but this guy is the one-armed drummer poster child. Between world tours, Rick Allen is also a celebrated photographer and is the recipient of the Humanitarian Award by Maria Shriver’s Best Buddies of CA.
When he lost the arm, Lars Ulrich from Metallica asked Rich to borrow his Ludwig Black Beauty, the Rolex of snare drums, and thanked him on the album credits. And he’s still rock’in.
When I first found out about Lil Jon’s “Total Meditation” album, I laughed. The Youtube comments were amazing. “He’s gone from crunk to monk” and “sanskreet, skreet, skreet, skreet skreet”. But Lil Jon took this endeavor seriously, hiring the best in the business to help him sculpt a credible meditation practice as a way to help himself work out his recent divorce. Physician, heal thyself.
There are two advantages that famous rappers have over the usual mediation guru. The first is that rap transfers to voice narration like college credits. It’s like their usual gig but slower and they don’t need to rhyme. Proper mic technique isn’t usually covered in spiritual retreats. The second is a dream team of productions who know nuances of a Neumann microphone versus a Shure.
Producer Douglas David has some Grammys under his belt, as well as Aretha Franklin broadcasts. Billboard Magazine lists him as one of the top philanthropists in the world.
The members of the recording engineering team of Wayne Sunderland and Nathan “Slade” Smith have heavy reps in the audio industry. Sunderland is a mastering Engineer at Suture Mastering, and Slade Smith has collaborated with Lil Jon his whole life, being his son. DJ Slade is a sought after DJ in his own right.
The mixes are perfect and his voice has enough cool tricks to keep one engaged. Mixing engineer Trammell Starks has toured with Patti Labelle and Roberta Flack as a keyboardist, produced albums for the London Symphony Orchestra, and composed over 40 songs for the Weather Channel.
Lil Jon brought in a ringer to help him out with the content. Kabir Sehgal is a jazz bassist, former JPMorgan Vice President, published author, navy veteran, composer, and Grammy Award-winning producer.He has produced albums for Deepak Chopra, who is huge in the meditation game. Like appearing on Oprah huge.
While none of the practices break new ground, they are a nice collection of the old tried and true ancient techniques with a modern flavor. Lil Jon and Kabir Sehgal cover everything from anxiety to grieving in bite-sized ten minute chunks. Sure, Lil John gets a little cheesy sometimes with whispered call and response, but his enthusiasm makes up for it.
My favorite session is the breathing one. In the wrong hands, this exercise can be a bit boring, but Lil Jon captures my attention the entire time. I also like the one based on nurturing friendship. We are all guilty of not giving one hundred percent in our relationships sometimes, and Mr. Jon is right to call us out and remind us that a little relationship maintenance can go a long way. I’m hoping my friends notice a difference with my moody ass since I’ve taken to self care. The things I do for those people.
After completing the circuit can I say that Lil Jon meditations are worth the ride? As an experienced meditator, I’d say yes. These are the perfect gateway meditations, especially for people who hate meditation. And if Lil Jon helps just one person on their journey to self actualization, then I must say “OKAAAAAAAYYYYY!”
Few guitar players make a living imitating animal sounds on guitar, let alone boast a rock n’ roll resume that would impress the snobbiest music dorks, including Talking Heads, Frank Zappa, Cyndi Lauper, Tom Tom Club, King Crimson, and David Bowie. The Mary Poppins of sidemen, Adrian Belew never stayed with one project too long before raising his umbrella and flying off to the next scenario, coming at you in stereo like an infectious disease breaking out of your headphones into your membranes. He’s even got his own Parker Adrian Belew signature guitar, wishing in at a featherweight five pounds, and a Liquid Foot pedal board that can recall his crazy tones from 30 years ago. Here we take a deep dive into his music and enjoy a bit a of gossip along the way,
Sweetheart
“I was in every kind of band you could have, and none of it had made any difference success-wise. There I was, 27 years old, feeling that maybe the world had passed me by.”
-Adrian Belew”
Belew got his start in a cover band named Sweetheart, sneaking his unique style into other people’s songs to the delight of the audience, the ultimate “man, what are you doing here” guy. Then one day, while Sweetheart was playing a gig at Fanny’s in Nashville, a tall mustachioed man named Frank Zappa sauntered in along with his bodyguard.
Frank Zappa
Albums: Zappa In New York, Sheik Yerbouti, Baby Snakes, You Can’t Do That On Stage Anymore Vol. 1, You Can’t Do That On Stage Anymore Vol. 6 , Frank Zappa Plays The Music Of Frank Zappa,and Quaudiophiliac
”I didn’t think anything like that could seriously happen.”
-Adrian Belew
Brian Eno had hipped Zappa to Belew’s. Buzz about Belew’s playing had even reached Zappa’s chauffeur driver who drove him to Fanny’s. After making Belew sweat it out for 6 months, Zappa finally called as promised and paid to fly Belew out to audition, marking the first time the Kentucky native ever flew on a plane.
Belew said of the experience:
“I watched some really tough auditions, especially for keyboard players and percussionists. I didn’t see any other guitar players, but I was later told that he auditioned 50 guitar players.
“At the end of the day, when it all calmed down and people were finally leaving, I finally got my time to speak to Frank again. I said simply this: ‘Frank, I don’t think I did so well. I imagined this would have happened differently. I thought you and I would sit somewhere quiet, and I would play and sing the songs for you. And he said, ‘OK, then let’s do that.’
“We went upstairs to his living room, and we sat on his purple couch. I placed my Pignose amplifier face down on the couch so I could get a little bit of sustain, and I auditioned all over again. At the end of it, he reached out his hand and said, ‘You got the job.’ We shook hands, and that was an absolute turning point in my life.”
David Bowie
Album:Logan
Reprinted from Mr. Belew’s Facebook in his own words:
“In 1978 I did my first tour of Europe as “stunt” guitarist and singer for Frank Zappa’s band. The night we played in Cologne, Germany. Unbeknownst to me, Brian Eno was in the audience. Brian knew David Bowie was looking for a new guitarist for his upcoming tour. He called David after seeing our show and told David he should come see the guitarist for Frank’s band.
The next night we performed in Berlin. There was a part of the show where Frank took an extended guitar solo and most of the band members, including myself, left the stage for a few minutes. As I walked to the back of the stage I looked over at the monitor mixing board and saw David Bowie and Iggy Pop standing there.
Wow! I couldn’t believe it!
So I walked over to David Bowie, shook his hand and said, “I love what you’ve done, thank you for all the music”. And he said, “Great, how would you like to be in my band?” I motioned back towards Frank and said, “Well, I’m kind of playing with that guy.” David laughed and said, “Yes, I know, but when Frank’s tour ends my tour starts two weeks later. Shall we talk about it over dinner?”
David said he would meet me back at our hotel and sure enough when I arrived back at the hotel David Bowie and his assistant, Coco Schwab, were sitting on a couch in the lobby. As I walked past them they whispered to me, “Get into the elevator, go up to your room, come back down in a few minutes, and meet us outside. We have a car waiting.”
It was like something out of a spy film.
When I came back down and went outside there was a black limousine waiting. The driver opened the door and I got in the back with David and Coco. David immediately launched into all these plans for his upcoming tour, the songs we would play, the staging, and so on, and how much he loved my guitar playing! It was so exciting! He said they were taking me to one of his favorite restaurants in Berlin.
How many restaurants are there in Berlin? 25,000?
We arrived at the restaurant, went in the front door, and who should be sitting at the very first table but Frank Zappa and the rest of the band! So the three of us sat down with Frank and the band. David, trying to be cordial, motioned to me and said, “Quite a guitar player you have here Frank.”
And Frank said, “Fuck you Captain Tom.”
(note: Frank had demoted David from Major Tom to Captain Tom.)
David persisted, “Oh come on now Frank, surely we can be gentlemen about this?”
Frank said, “Fuck you, Captain Tom.”
By this point I was paralyzed. David said, “So you really have nothing to say?” Frank said, “Fuck you, Captain Tom.”
David and Coco and I got up and went back out the front door. Getting in the limo David said in his wonderfully British way, “I thought that went rather well!”
Talking Heads
Albums: Remain in Light, The Name of this Band is Talking Heads.
Belew met the Talking Heads when Zappa played with them on their Remain In Light tour. He is credited on the “The name of this Band is Talking Heads,” a collection of live recordings from the Remain in Light tour. He was probably closest with guitar player Jerry Harrison, since he played on all Harrison’s solo albums and still tours with him to this day. Belew also co-wrote Talking Heads side project, The Tom Tom Club’s “Genius of Love” famously sampled on Mariah Carrey’s “Sweet Fantasy.”
King Crimson
Albums Discipline, Beat, Three of a Perfect Pair, :Vrooom :Thrak, Thrakattak, the construKction of light: Vrooom Vrooom, Happy with What You Have to Be Happy With, The Power to Believe
“Hello Adrian, I know you’re not one to go raving so I figured it was safe to call you early. Did I wake you up? I did? Well look, Bill Bruford and I want to start a band with you.”
Robert Fripp to a very hungover and Adrian Belew
The new band in question was called Discipline They later decided to continue under the King Crimson umbrella, naming the album Discipline instead.Belew was the first guitar player in King Crimson whose last name wasn’t Fripp. Belew also got to write and sing his own songs in this version of King Crimson, which was the catalyst for his leaving the Talking Heads. That and apparently David Byne was a bigger diva than Mariah Carey back then, even making venerated bass player Tina Weymouth audition to keep her role in the band, which pissed her husband and Talking Heads drummer Chris Frantz off to no end. This might help explain why the Talking Heads passed up a huge payday of 80 million to reunite.
Cyndi Lauper
Album: True Colors
“When you’ve got great musicians, just let them play. I told Adrian, ‘Can you play like this guy?
Saying that to Adrian Belew, what the heck was I thinking? In my defense, I was under pressure and at the time not used to working with such great players.”
-Cyndi Lauper
As green as she was, Lauper knew when to put her foot down when it mattered. In her words:
“I remember Adrian Belew saying to me, ‘Cyn, what happened to the girl that wanted to have fun?’ “He was looking for that fun thing, and he was right — it kind of wasn’t there, you know? But I didn’t want to write ‘Girls Just Wanna Have Fun Part 2’ — because I was afraid if I did, I would be stuck there forever.”
And the rest is history.
NIN
Albums:The Downward Spiral,The FragileGhosts I–IV, Hesitation Marks
Trent Reznor had the unfortunate and rare opportunity of firing his favorite guitar player. The rest of the band threatened to quit unless Reznor gave Belew his walking papers.
Here is what went down, according to Belew:
“Here’s my version of it, “Now, you might ask someone else, and then they’d say something different, but when Trent called me, he was very excited about the idea that he and I would reinvent Nine Inch Nails. “And he even told me, ‘Don’t worry about learning the songs verbatim. Just get to know them.’ So, I listened to the songs, and I really didn’t try to figure parts out. I did a little bit just out of curiosity. So when I got there, we had 12 weeks of rehearsal time. I thought that’s the amount of time I had with Frank Zappa. I could learn anything in 12 weeks.”
“I don’t mind talking about it now. But at the time, it was so upsetting to me. But after 17 days, he said that some of the guys in the band weren’t comfortable with me. They didn’t feel like I was doing my parts right and that I knew the songs as good as I should. And I said, ‘Listen, I can tell you for sure – this is 17 days in. I’m still working out ideas of sounds and things. I’m not even worried about the songs.’ But those were ‘LA kind of players,’ you know? And in my mind, they have very little imagination, I’ll put it that way. So he said, ‘It’s time for you to go.’”
Solo Albums
Albums: Lone Rhino,Twang Bar King, Desire Caught By the Tai , Mr. Music Head, Young Lions, Inner Revolution, The Acoustic Adrian Belew, Here.
Belews voice is reminiscent of David Brynes, which makes sense after singing backup for him, with a Touch of Here come the Warm jets era Eno, but his guitar playing is still incomparable. In addition to singing and playing guitar on his solo albums, he also played drums. If Adrian Belew never made it as a guitar player, he would have had a smash career as a session drummer. All that time in King Crimson must have made odd meters a snap for him. He has a very strange approach to the kit, but he really makes it work for himself.
Straight outta Portland, (Maine) Get Out of My House sounds like they played their last show at Bang Bang bar in Twin Peaks, blanketing the dance floor with a fog machine of post-punk depression and fidgety pop featuring Kenzie’s swirling chorused guitars, Tomis’ jazzy drums, and New Wave stylings of Tzara on the bass guitar. Grief Group Records, who signed them before they played their third show, released their first banger GOD ON MY SIDE 4 EVER. So brew yourself some coffee, put on those bigass headphones from the 60’s and enjoy this album like how Agent Cooper savors cherry pie.
How did ya’ll meet?
Kenzie: Tomis and I met a long time ago when we saw The Doug Quaids at Marlboro College in 2016. I think I was playing in Glittergutz at that show and thought “Wow.This person is a genius.” There were people hanging from the rafters from that show. Great show. Years later we played in another band together called Windier. Tomis and friends moved to Portland, and a couple years later I decided to move here too. I met Tzara at work and I thought she was so cool. She was the first person I met in Portland who I knew I wanted to be good friends with. Tzara and I had been talking for a while about how we both wanted to start a band after bonding over music we both loved. Tomis finally brought it together, texting us one day and asking if we wanted to jam at his practice space for Lahnah. I would say it was love at first sight.
Tzara: It was the first night I saw Lahnah, Tomis’ other band, play that the plan really coalesced. Seeing that show, at the very least, really lit a fire under Kenzie and I’s asses to put the talk into action and Tomis had been meaning to get back into drumming. We found each other at exactly the right moment.
Can you name any new artists that everyone needs to hear about, especially buddies of
your’s? What art outside of music inspires you?
Red Eft, S.C.O.B.Y., Amiright?, Windier, Ween, Deerhoof, Marnie Stern, Hole, David Cronenberg, Michael Bay’s Transformers, Michael Bay’s Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, Breaking Benjamin, Michael Bay’s Transformers: Age of Extinction, the WGA strike, Zelda, Dark Souls
Who writes the songs? How do you know when a song is finished?
Most of the songs start with Kenzie bringing forth a collection of guitar parts that she wants to piece together. The structure doesn’t get fully decided until much later. “Incisors” and “7 Uppers” started as bass lines with the structure mostly mapped out from the beginning. We all write our own parts for each of the songs. We play that until we’re sick to death of it and then we rewrite it into something less irksome. That’s the version of the songs that we recorded and play at our shows.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room. As everyone knows, Tzara is the spawn of famed protest singer/communist agitator Phallus Cooper. Do you ever get people chanting Bosshole or Beast Infection cover requests at your shows? How do you still manage to bloom while growing up in his shadow?
Tzara: Bosshole’s local. We’re international (playing a show in New Hampshire next week). I’ll be charitable and say that James parented with a very light touch. Large as the shadow of Phallus Cooper may loom, there is a hell of a lot of space between Oregon and Maine.
My first and only prior foray into writing music started in high school, one of my buddies started an Album of the Week Facebook group where the only way to get in was to first make an album. My buddy Lucas and I made our album in about 6 hours, from having nothing written to having it mastered and published on Bandcamp, just a bass guitar and drums. I didn’t really get how chord progression works, so it was just endless vamps with meandering, kinda spooky bass melodies, sometimes with some harsh noise or a guitar solo dubbed over.
The last known photograph of Phallus Copper, Circa 2007
I love your David Lynch cover. Did youse watch the Twin Peaks reboot?
Tzara: Kenzie and I watched it together over the last month. Kenzie hadn’t seen it since 2017, I had never seen it before. Both mega-fans, incessantly quoting lil quips from the show at each other.
Tomis: Yeah. I’ve watched it. Both seasons. Twice.
What is the best show you have ever played?
Kenzie: We’ve only played two shows and the first one was the best.
Tzara: We played one show for 40 people and one show for 12 so I’m gonna say that the one we played for 40 people was probably the better show.
Tomis: There was definitely more than 40 people there. Like 60 or 70 maybe.
Kenzie: The Apohadion was packed. Maybe even 100. I don’t know what 100 people looks like.
Can I get a rig run-down on Kenzie’s guitar for the tone snobs out there?
Kenzie: I’m using a Memory Man, this cool reverb pedal[?], a Squier Stratocaster I’ve had since I was 15 that I got for $50, a distortion pedal that I was gifted from someone who built it themself, an Electro-Harmonix B9 Organ pedal, some pedals I borrowed from Tomis that I don’t even know what they are, and the amp is an EVH 5150.
Does Tomis have any formal jazz or prog background? There is some tasty interplay going on between the hi hats and ride cymbals that isn’t the standard rock and roll fare, venturing into Billy Cobham or Joe Morello territory.
Tomis: Thank you, I love Billy Cobham. That’s awesome. Yeah I graduated Julliard, I graduated Berkley and I also graduated Harvard and I also taught drums at USM. In middle school.
The recording quality on the album features dirty, lo-fi elements without sounding sloppy or unprofessional. What studio did you record at? Was it a good time? Who engineered it?
Kenzie: Tomis engineered it. We recorded it at Grime, which is where we practice and where we are right now, in our little practice room. It was a great time, it was a lot of fun. I had a lot of fun.
Tzara: I would give Tomis five stars on Yelp.
Kenzie: Absolutely. Ten stars. Maybe even 100. He did it all. It’s really amazing.
Anything lined up for the future? Any shows, recordings sessions, or podcasts?
Tzara: We’ve got a show lined up for the 7th of September at Grime Studio, our home away from home, with both of Tomis’ other bands, and one of Kenzie’s other bands. A proper send off for a pillar of the Portland Rawk community because Tomis will very soon be living and performing in the land of milk and honey, Philadelphia, PA. You and your readers will have that to look forward to, Kenzie and I will be licking our wounds. We’ve lined up a new drummer who is, miraculously, also a sound engineer, but the pain is real. But we’re looking forward to seeing where things go Grief Group ,our very small time record label, asked us to be on a podcast called Ask A Punk but we haven’t heard any updates on that.
Graceland wants to require Elvis Tribute Artists to have official licensing. This isn’t a good idea. It’s a great idea. That’s the difference between an Elvis impersonator and an Elvis Tribute Artist. Graceland has been cracking down on ETA’s, especially at Vegas wedding chapels. The sacrament of marriage is still sacred, Goddamn it!
It’s one for the money. Two for the dough. Three to get money, now go cash, go!
Why License?
Elvis Licensing is important, not only to the performer, but also to the paying public. If one doesn’t have quality or control, then how can they have quality control? Proper Elvis licensing offers:
Population Control.This prevents the classic “too many Elvises and not enough Colonel Parkers” scenario.
Quality Control. This will prevent hacks like Dread Zeppelin from taking the King’s name in vain with some crazy ass litigation. At Elvis University, students will learn how to walk backwards (never turn your back on an audience), take upper lip sneering workshops, and vibrato singing lessons. This ensures a safe, regulated, Presley-approved experience for the whole family. Without proper training, a rookie might start asking the audience for their scarves back after the show. Can we say ‘amateur hour’?
Don’t click on this video.
Peace of Mind. What if the hunka hunka burning love starts to spread? Can you trust a scab Elvis to be fire safety certified? Licensed ETAs are certified every three years.
How to know if a Tribute Artist is Licensed.
Look for the ear identification tag, which could be hard to spot if the ETA is wearing in-ear monitors or ear muffs.
Check for a certificate of graduation from E.U. at the DJ station, probably next to a tin of Pomade.
Inspect the back of their neck for a barcode tattoo.
Ask them. If they start running, be suspicious.
Do NOT attempt to detain illegal Elvi on your own! Elvis karate can be lethal, and I’d say a good 90% of Faux Kings are packing heat. (The better ones have guns with pearl handles.)
Let the professionals with no kill traps baited with barbiturate-laced fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches take care of it.
Report all unlicensed Elvis tribute sightings to dirtysnitch@aol.com. Then rat out your neighbors for smoking weed and stealing cable while you’re at it. What not?
The best thing about playing someone else’s song is the unwavering faith in its brilliance. At least that is taken care of. If people are booing, it’s not the song’s fault. Also, the chance to take a trip in someone else’s skin.
Recreating someone else’s work is frowned upon in other mediums. Comedians don’t say, “I’m going to do a couple classic Rodney jokes and get out of here.” And when painter’s try it, Interpol gets involved. Both the band and the government agency.
Some bands like to make cover songs their own, taking more liberties with the tune’s DNA than Trump’s accountants. Here is a list of amazing renditions where the artists totally made the song their own. I tried not to list any songs that were done for parody, but, you know what Yoda says about the word “try.”
Elvis Presly: Blue Moon.
The king took this doo-wop number from the Marcels and made it strange and etherial enough for David Lynch to include in his masterpeice Blue Velvet. Man, that old school slapback echo on his voice is to die for, especially on the falsettos at the end.
Will Oldham: Am I Demon?
I don’t think anybody expected the man they call Bonnie Prince Billy to rock out to Danzig, let alone cover him. Somehow, his use of acoustic guitars dialed up the evil. Love the yodel into the second chorus.
Klaus Nomi: The Twist
When Chubby Checker asked people to “twist again like we did last summer,” this ain’t what he had in mind. Nomi took the dance for the remedial and turned it into an operatic order for us humans straight from Alien High Command. Also, Nomi’s “Ding Dong the Witch is Dead” is worth the price of admission.
Israel “IZ” Kamakawiwoʻole: Somewhere over the Rainbow.
The big man with the little ukuleleI added a unique phrasing that even Judy Garland would approve of.
I know this somber version was oversaturated a couple years ago, but if it hadn’t been, every hipster worth his Buddy Holly glasses would be spinning it at artsy parties.
Angélique Kidjo: Once In A Lifetime
An african woman appropriating the Talking Heads appropriating african music. How can you lose? It’s definitely not the same as it ever was.
Viagra Boys, Featuring Amy Taylor: In Spite of Ourselves.
The Viagra Boys flipped this John Prime classic on its head, adding 90’s lofi drums and messy guitars. Amy Taylor proves to the world once again that she is nothing if not a good sport. I wouldn’t want to piss her off, though. The watermarked stock footage in the video gets me every time. They did the pandemic remote thing right.
The Defibulators: This Charming Man.
Ever wondered what the Smiths would sound like as a bluegrass band? Wonder no more. Listen to those harmonies!
The Pet Shop Boys: You are Always on my Mind.
The Pet Shop Boys take on this Elvis classic, composed by Wille Nelson, annoys the ever loving shit out of my wife. Needless to say, it’s on heavy rotation whenever I’m feeling contrary or acting out for attention.
Gwar: Get Out of My Dreams.
Richmond’s finest, Gwar, polluted Billy Ocean faster than us mere humans polluted the Atlantic and Pacific.
Extra credit: Speaking of Pet Shop Boys, here is Gwar with their new singer, doing their version of West Ends Girls. At the end, they do a tear-jerking tribute to their fallen leader Oderus Urungus (RIP).
XTC: All Along the WatchTower
XTC took this Bob Dylan classic in a different direction than the Hendrix version we all know and love, giving the song a caffeinated nervous disorder. Andy Partridge sings it like he ate speed and ran just out of beer. That organ creeps like the orgasmitron from Barbarella and the guitar is nails on a chalkboard. Love it.
Devo: Satisfaction.
Of course, Devo is number one. Devo is always number one, spuds. (Except if you are Jon Spencer.)
Devo pondered, “Are We Not Men?” The Rolling Stones answered, “You can’t be a man because you do not smoke the same cigarettes as me.” Fair enough. Actually Jagger was reported to be “up dancing within thirty seconds” of his first listen.
Infectious Grooves-Violent and Funky. Not sure of what ever became of bass player Robert Trujillo but I hope he is still able to eek out a living with music.
XTC- Helicopter
“Hey man, can you make your bass sound like a helicopter?” “You got it, Andy.”
Roxy Music-Love is the Drug
Real drugs are also fantastic. I’m not sure what is up with the eye patch, either.
Porno for Pyros-Good God’s Urge
Mike Watt doesn’t play bass. He works it. My man is always clocked in.
Besides filling in on bass for the Stooges, he also played in fIREHOSE and the legendary Minutemen. The breakdown part at 3:10 gets stuck in my head for days at a time. The eagle-eyed will notice that this is the second song to feature drummer Stephen Perkins.
Pere Ubu -Small was Fast
Devo, Pere Ubu, Brianiac. . . Ohio sure produces a lot of strange music. One of the best live bands I’ve ever seen.
Meshell Ndegeocello-If That’s Your Boyfriend.
She used to play bass for some dude named David Bowie and can probably slap your damn face off with her thumb.
Spizz Athletico 80-Where’s Captain Kirk?
Everyone’s favorite Star Trek Tribute band from the 80’s. (If you don’t shed a tear listening to “Spock’s Missing”, then it is time to seek online therapy, you monster.)
Sonseed- Jesus is my Friend
Satan may inspire the best metal musicians, but it looks like Jesus might own ska.
Try to deny that breakdown at 1:22. I double-dog dare you.
Talking Heads- Sugar on my Tongue
Tina Weymouth sure got a phat tone from a short scale bass. I love how her bass line is almost a duet with the vocals.
The Kinks- Sunny Afternoon
Maybe not the most obscure bass song, but when you run a Magazine called Next in Line. . .
Don’t Worry. This method has nothing to do with scale, modes, or time signatures. Technically, It doesn’t even really have to do with making music. But I guarantee, if you just follow these two simple steps, your jam card will always be full. Your bandmates will love you, and so will every sound engineer that you encounter live or in the studio. Heck, you may even snag some session work off of it. And you literally have to do nothing.
Step One: Stop making noise and STFU when other people are trying to talk or trouble shoot gear around you.
Step Two: Repeat as necessary.
Who hasn’t been in this situation? The guitar player is showing the bass player the chords, while Keith Moon in the corner is thrashing away at full volume, trying to decide between a paradiddle, a double paradiddle, or a flamadiddle to lead into the next chorus.
But, of course— and this isn’t said out loud very often— it’s not always the drummer’s fault. If only there was a way for the guitarist to doodle between songs without getting on everyone’s last nerve. Sigh.
But Wait! There is! We have the technology in the form of a new fangled device called the “volume knob.” (see picture below.)
First try playing a power chord with the volume knob turned up all the way. Then ask your lead singer how much back rent they owe their landlord. It’s not easy to discern the amount, is it*?
Now, turn the volume knob completely off. Notice how you are the only one who can hear the guitar now, and people around you can enjoy a conversation without shouting? Volume knob technology has also made its way to keyboards, Omnichords, Stylaphones, and even bass guitars!
But what about Acoustic instruments, you say? They don’t have volume knobs. Drummers can play air drums or on your knees. Guitar players can just strum quietly. Didgeridoo players, use a didgeridoo mute. Everyone around you will be so much nicer to you.
Think you got it down? Take the quiz:
You are waiting for an engineer to finish setting up your drums mic. His ear is located right next to an 24” Paiste Rude ride cymbal and he isn’t wearing hearing protection.
Should you:
A. Do your best Meg White impression and wail on the edge of the cymbal.
B. See how your rim shot technique has come along. Is it loud enough yet? How about now?
C. Do nothing but stare blankly into space.
2. Your keyboard player spilled another beer on her $650,000 vintage Farfisa organ.
Should you:
A. See if you can get your sax to squeal like Big Jay McNeely.
B. Play the Benny Hill theme while she scrambles to find canned air to dry out the insides.
C. Do nothing but stare blankly into space.
3. The front of the house engineer yells “kick” and starts tweaking the gate on the drummer’s bass drum. Should you:
A. Jam along with kick drum ¼ notes, because what is drums without bass? Boring!
B. Tune your four-string at full blast for the whole audience to enjoy.
C. Do nothing but stare blankly into space.
Please forward this to anyone who needs to read it.
Answers: C. The answer is always C.
*This was a joke. Any lead singer worth their salt has no idea how much money the landlord is owed. That’s what roommates are for. That and toilet paper. And peanut butter. And . . .
The term “Affluenza” is “the inability to understand the consequences of one’s actions because of financial privilege.” Affluenza affects 1% of the US population, so about 3.2 million United States citizens.
Licensed psychologist, G. Dick Miller (“Call me Dick”) defended maligned teen Ethan Couch, after the poor boy, accidentally killed a couple people in a drunk driving incident while innocently sowing his wild oats. He was mercifully given 10 years probation and no jail time, but his untreated Affluenza continued to plague him until he skipped out on parole, ending up the subject of a manhunt that ended Mexico where he was found higher than Willie Nelson on his birthday. Sadly, Couch’s luck ran out. He was arrested, convicted, jailed, and released last year. This didn’t happen in Communist China. This happened in the U.S. of A.
To my knowledge, there is no other research being conducted to find a cure. (I didn’t look too hard, though.) I’m willing to sacrifice my health and help fight Affluenza from the inside, by accepting enough donations for me to join the 1%. In the great State of Pennsylvania, that’s just $388,593 a year. A pittance compared to the cost of research of other diseases. I don’t even need a laboratory, though I might buy one on a whim to make small batch gin.
What I’m Willing to Endure.
I’m willing to infiltrate the 1% and report back on the side effects, including but not limited to:
Wearing boat shoes with no socks.
Clapping off-rhythm at concerts.
Suffering from hemophilia developed from recursive inbreeding.
Developing a reluctance to tipping waitstaff, especially automatic gratuities for tables of four or more.
Naming my kids Mercedes, London, or Baron.
Suggesting that the impoverished pull themselves up by their boot straps without providing boots.
Referencing the tribulations of deceased immigrant relatives that I never met.
Taking up two parking spots in my future Beamer. Three if I get a Tesla.
Severe allergic reactions to paying taxes to where I’ll need to isolate myself from my money using offshore accounts.
Why I’m Qualified.
As a cis gendered, white male Gen X’er, I’ll fit right in, after I get a Peaky Blinders haircut and a Rolex. Did I mention that I’m really into bath bombs? I think, given proper funding, I could take to frivolous spending like ants to syrup.
How YOU can Make a Difference.
For just the price of a cup of coffee a day, you can buy me a cup of coffee a day. Is there a chance that I will ghost everyone after receiving my first thousand and flake out on my research? Of course. I don’t own a crystal ball. Who knows what journey this disease will take me on? But if my fresh Yeeseys 450’s can bring us one step closer to a cure, then it’s all worth it. Be a hero. Do your part.
Next In Line Magazine 